Bursting Heart

My heart is so full right now. I feel a mixture of emotions. Sad because I am apart from Isaac again. Happy because one of my best friends has been set free, and that is as much detail as I will give. Joyful over knowing the Lord and grateful to be His daughter. Lonely as I look over the next 2 weeks and realize I will be waking up alone every morning without my personal Hubby Heater to snuggle up to. The strongest thing I am feeling right now...is Peace.

Jesus said "My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27. Jesus is so right, as usual! Sometimes when life is crazy, and I feel overwhelmed by the weight of my burdens, I say these words of Jesus to myself, sometimes out loud, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest... For my burden is light." Then I ask God, out loud or in my heart, "What does this mean? God, are you really going to get Isaac a new job so we don't have to be apart anymore? Are you really going to give me rest, or did you just say that? Do you really mean it?"

Then, with such loving patience that only a Father can have for his immature daughter, God reminds me that He is in control. Isaiah 55:8, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," God said. Romans 8:28, "We know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him." Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Psalm 138:8, "The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me. Your love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not abandon the work of your hands." These promises from God comfort me. Is God a liar? No, He has proved Himself trustworthy to me countless times. So if God is not a liar, then He will do what He says He will.

That means that He will hear and answer my prayers. Maybe not in the way I want Him to, or in the time frame I set up for Him. "God, please give Isaac a new job NOW!" I pray. But God's timing is not my own. The Bible says a day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years like a day. When God promises He will prosper me, He will work out everything for my good, He will fulfil His purpose for me, I know He will. I know He will.

So I wait. My circumstances have not changed. Isaac is still gone, and loneliness makes its company in my heart. But I feel tangible relief from this: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." His peace makes no sense. Why should I feel joy in trials? I don't know. But my peace in the middle of my chaos is a gift from God that I welcome with hungry, open arms. "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you," God has promised. He is right, He is always right.

I am confident that God is using this season of my life to bring His name glory and to grow me up, for I am still a child. I do not understand a lot about Him. But I take comfort in that, too. Because if I understood everything about God, all of His ways and mysteries, then He would not be such a marvelous and life-changing God. He doesn't fit in my box, my puzzle, my human mind. I praise Him for that. He is so much more!

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:9.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

I love Christmas. I don't have very many Christmas decorations at all, actually none. So my mother-in-law, Wendy, let me borrow some from her wide array of decor! I snagged a few odds and ends, but my favorite is her Christmas village. I have always wanted to own one of those, with the beautiful houses and tiny people and trees. I set it up on top of my entertainment center so that Phoenix can't destroy it. I think I will check out the stores after Christmas to find a clearance village of my own.

Yesterday was an eventful day for us. Between house cleaning and grocery shopping and other errands, Max and Jack escaped. Ugh. Lucky for me, Jack came back home, with a bird's nest in his mouth. But Max was yet to be found. I drove around the whole town of Mesquite (the whole town!) but couldn't find him. Finally, in the afternoon, I saw him running across the street being chased down by a policeman. Apparently he had barely avoided several car accidents and they were trying to catch him for hours. I was slightly embarrassed, but not much since this isn't the first, or second, or even tenth time this has happened. Max hopped in the car, fell asleep immediately (must have been tired from being a wild wanderer), and is with us safe and sound. For now.

Phoenix has been sick but he is finally getting better. After a week of having to wrestle him to wipe his boogie nose, he is grown up enough to now allow me a quick swipe. He'll even make blowing noises and say "uh-oh" to let me know when it's time for a wipe. Uh-oh is one of his favorite words. He says it a lot. I bought him some crayons and markers, and this morning he enjoyed coloring with me. He is getting so grown up! He mostly likes to take the lids off the markers and try to put them back on.

Isaac gets home on Monday, 3 more days to go. This job of his is very challenging but boy, does it make our time together even more precious, even sweeter. We get 3 days together this time before he has to head out on another show. I will definitely make the best of it. Uh-oh, Phoenix just said uh-oh. Better go get the tissue...

2009 In a Nutshell (So far)

Today is the last day of November. Tomorrow begins the last month of the year. I am reflecting on the year 2009, on all of its triumphs and successes, as well as the hard times and lessons learned. All in all it has been one of the best years of my life, in more ways than one.



In January I was a stay-at-home mom with a husband who worked from home, living in a comfortable 3 bedroom home with a great yard and my life felt safe. I did not know how great I had it. I thought I was grateful, but I was not. The first few months of the year passed by normally and as usual- gearing up for the Blitz football season, watching Phoenix grow and reach new milestones, spending lots of great time with my husband. February, March, and April breezed past us.



By May, we were out of money, selling our furniture to buy groceries and pay bills, and unsure of our future. In June an excellent job opportunity came up for Isaac to move across the country and sell alarm systems. So off we went with no more than a few suitcases full of the belongings we had left, to live in a sort-of furnished apartment in Springfield, Missouri. I did all that I could to make the place feel like home, adding candles and blankets and homemade meals (this was the summer I finally became comfortable in the kitchen, much to Isaac's relief). I can easily say this was the most difficult time in my life. It tested my marriage and my faith in God. I learned some incredible lessons, like how to really trust God and really love Him for who He is, not for what He gives me. When I had no television, no furniture of my own, no car, and no money, I was forced to choose. Either I would bloom where I was planted, or die on the spot. I chose to be joyful, although it wasn't easy. I'll never forget our first day there. We got off the airplane, ate some lunch with our friends and summer companions, Nate and Taryn, and then Isaac dropped me off at our new apartment and went off to start his first long day of work. There I was, just me and Phoenix. No toilet paper. No food in the fridge. No linens or towels or soap. Nothing to do but unpack our clothes and wait for Isaac in the emptiness.



I did a lot of waiting for Isaac that summer. He worked 6 days a week, for 12 hours or more a day. He would sleep in because he was exhausted from the day before, eat a little breakfast, shower, and head off to another day of knocking doors in the hot, humid weather we never quite got used to, and he would walk in the door around 9 or 10:00 at night, fall into bed, and repeat the next day. Sunday was his only day off. It was a trying, difficult, yet wonderful time for us. Things got better when the company moved us to Laredo, Texas, at the end of July. By that time we had saved enough money to buy a used car to drive to Texas in. We lived there for one month. The thing that stands out the most in my memory is the day we arrived in Laredo. We had just made the 15 hour drive from Missouri, only to discover we were in a one bedroom apartment, not a 2 bedroom like we were promised. I saw Nate and Taryn's apartment, a much more spacious 2 bedroom with much cooler features. I confess, ashamedly, that I was a brat that day. I complained to Isaac and cried and complained some more. It wasn't fair, I whined. Why do we have to be the ones stuck in a tiny one bedroom where Phoenix is going to practically be sleeping on top of us? It's not enough space, I cried. Why me? Why me!



It's a good thing that my tantrum lasted only a few hours. I felt ashamed before God for being so ungrateful, and for comparing myself to our friends. They deserved a nice place to stay. And I said sorry to Isaac, and to God, for being so ugly. I never complained again, and truly enjoyed that apartment very much once I got over myself.



The end of August brought us to Mesquite, Nevada. Isaac was beat from 3 months of door-to-door sales. After a 24-hour, non-stop drive with a one year old (don't ask me how we did it), we arrived on August 24th, Phoenix's birthday. It was nice to be back in the dry heat, back with family after a summer alone, back with our dogs, Max and Jack (although Jack suffered a car accident just days before we came home and still limps from it). Isaac took all of one week off before he got restless and started to look for work. Within days he took a job with VitaMix, selling these super nice blenders at Costcos on the west coast. I had no idea what we were getting into.



We lived with my in-laws for almost 3 months. This was a great experience for us. We continued to practice the art of living on less, and are still so thankful to Bubba and Wendy for feeding us and taking care of us. We shared a room with Phoenix, which we were used to at this point, and were so thankful to have a place to stay and spend time with family. In November, after weeks of asking God where He wanted us to live next, we found a home for rent just a few houses down from Isaac's parents (which is ironic, since Isaac said he did not want to live in Mesquite, and he did not want to live close to his parents. God must have a sense of humor). Mesquite works because it is close to the airport when Isaac has to leave for work, and also close to St. George where Isaac needs to beto take care of the Blitz. Plus I have family to see while he's away to curb my lonliness.



That brings us to today. Isaac still works for VitaMix. He is gone for more than 20 days of the month. He usually leaves for 10 days at a time, stays home for a few days, and goes back out to another show. Right now he is in California. He left the day after Thanksgiving and will be home December 7th.



This morning I was praying. I told God how lonely I am, and how I don't like being away from my husband like this. I told Him I am unsure of our future, and unsure of my purpose in this life. Then I remembered this past year, with all of its ups and downs, twists and turns. I remembered Missouri. I remembered Laredo. I remembered everything, how I saw none of it coming but was so thankful to experience all of it. The things I have learned have changed me completely, and I could have never learned these things any other way. We had to lose stuff and move and grow and change and start over, we needed to. My prayers turned to praise, for all that God has chosen to do in our lives this year. It has been unlike anything I could have ever planned. But by God's grace, we are in a small home again, with furniture of our own (that we salvaged from garage sales and the DI), a car to drive, our health, and each other. I am excited to see what December brings, and then what 2010 is like for us. Today is the last day of November, but the first day of the remainder of my short, crazy, happy, unpredictable life. I welcome all of it, the good and bad, because I know God has me right where He wants me, and He is going to use this time in my life to make me better, and to bring glory to His name.



Lord, thank You for 2009. I wouldn't have had it any other way. You really do know best.

Thankful

Thanksgiving is the time when we are all reminded of what we have in our lives to be thankful for. In America, our list of what to be thankful for is often similar- family, friends, food. I love James 1:17 that says "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights...". This Bible verse tells me that every good thing I have in my life is from the Lord. EVERYTHING! This includes so much more than I am aware of on a daily basis.

It is easy for me to forget to thank God for some things in my life. When I miss my husband and feel lonely, I forget to be thankful that I even have a husband who loves me and that works hard for my family. When I feel overwhelmed by debt or bills, I forget to be thankful that we have a home and hundreds of other comforts that people in other countires do not have and may never have. When I feel bad about myself (too fat, etc), I forget to thank the Lord that I am healthy and my body is fearfully and wonderfully made.

I am the average, ordinary woman that often forgets just how blessed I am. I can be selfish, ungrateful, and even ugly at times. But this Thanksgiving, my heart is full of thanks to my God and my Savior. He loves me, Jessica, the apple of His eye, no matter what! And He wants to make something special of my life. I don't know why He put me on this earth, or what my purpose is. One thing I do know- God is real, He died to give me a hope and a future, and I thank Him for that. My goal is to thank Him every day by offering Him my life, not just during the holidays but every day year-round. Lord, I love You. Thank you. This Thanksgiving is for You. May my life be lived in a way that brings a smile to Your face.

Thank You

Thank You, Lord, for this life. It is not perfect, there is much evil and oppression here. But how can I focus on all of that when You've given me so much more?

Father, what is this life without You? You spoke the world into motion, created something out of nothing.You are the hope of the world, because You give us life beyond this wasted earth. You are love, Your Word says You are love. And with You, I am able to love others. Thank You for pregnancy, that I was able to get pregnant with my son and then carry and deliver Him. I know many women struggle with this. You made my heart, my mind, my soul. You gave me my family, my faith, my home and life. You have given me so many promises. Never will You leave me. You will come back for me, to take me to be with You where You are. And most importantly, you knew I was a desperate, sinful person in need of help, and You died on the cross for me, so that I could humbly accept Your sacrifice and then live with You forever someday. Forever is a long time! Thank You, Jesus, that I am assured of my salvation, that I don't do anything to make myself right or pure in Your eyes. It's all about Jesus, He is my righteousness.

Lord, You carried the cross for my shame. You gave up EVERYTHING for me and for anyone else that will accept You. What can I say? What can I do? I now offer my heart completely to You. I'll walk upon salvation, Your spirit alive in me. My soul now to stand! It is well with my soul. I'll stand with arms wide and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all. I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to You surrendered. All I am is Yours. I love You, Lord. Thank you for this life.